To Have it All

I had a lie living instead of me. I don't know when it was really formed, but it has been quite a while. Now, I need to find out why have I done so, and did it affect on my plan to have it all. To be the one that everyone would envy every second of its existence.

Life develops in phases. First you have the childish phase. And everything that happens in your childhood will have a major effect on your future life, on you as a person. Was it because of lack of peers, or because of lack of my father, I don't know, but I always had to be envied. It was my personal quest in a way. And I never knew to carry on with defeats. It would wound me deeply every time I lost a battle. And, it is still the same. For some time I've convinced myself that I was over that, but now I'm quite sure I was not.

There is another thing about me, I ask for permission all the time. I have realized that I'm so concerned about other people's opinion about me that I'm trying to figure out all the time what will somebody think of every step I make.

So, was I dead? I don't know. Cause I couldn't be sure was my acting in life expression of my personality or, an attempt to be noticed, to be approved by everybody that had any link to me. I still don't know. And this shrink role playing game maybe wasn't even helping me. Maybe I was confusing myself even more. Cause I've learned one thing; you have to let life be unleashed. You can't control it, although I thought that I could, for a long time.

I am confused. But not in way that helps you loosen it a bit, in a way that makes me question every thing even more. And I repeat it constantly, over, and over again. I'm never sure what should I do, but maybe that's just a part of growing up, of becoming a formed adult person, conscience of its deeds.